Because he’s like a serpent covered in Vaseline. Because he treats the American people like two-bit suckers in 10-gallon hats. Because he sucks up to the guy who insulted his wife — by retweet, no less. Because of his phony piety and even phonier principles. Because I see him as the spiritual love child of the 1980s televangelist Jimmy Swaggart and Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining.” Because his ethics are purely situational. Because he makes Donald Trump look like a human being by comparison. Because “New York values.” Because his fellow politicians detest him, and that’s just among Republicans. Because he never got over being the smartest kid in eighth grade. Because he’s conniving enough to try to put one over you, but not perceptive enough to realize that you see right through him. Because he’s the type of man who would sell his family into slavery if that’s what it took to get elected. And that he would use said slavery as a sob story to get himself re-elected.
Apropos of the Texas Senate race, a friend, alluding to Beto O’Rourke’s musical history, asks, “Do we need a poll of voter attitudes toward punk rock?”
This is a good question. My answer would be yes, with two qualifications.
One, those questioned should be asked which is the better qualification for election to Congress, a background in punk rock or experience as a criminal inside trader.
Two, before answering the question, they should be required to listen to the following advertisements.
I see that I have readers in Senegal today. Hopefully, my college roommate, who made good. Is that you, Mohammad?
And did I mention that Ted’s wife is ugly, and his father was in on the conspiracy to kill John Kennedy?
Or that Lyin’ Ted correctly depicted The Donald as a “sniveling coward?
Within the margin of error, folks.
And, truly, it could not happen to a nicer guy.
Meanwhile, in other news, Trump’s own lawyers are giving interviews comparing him to a mafia boss.
In a conversation with Trump last Friday, Jay Goldberg, one of Trump’s lawyers, warned the president, “Michael will never stand up [for you]” if charged by the government, according to the Wall Street Journal. But why would Trump have anything to worry about, unless… Trump committed a crime that Cohen knows about?
In an interview with the Journal, Goldberg elucidated his concerns about Cohen’s loyalty and the devastating impact it would have if he cooperated with the government. “The mob was broken by Sammy ‘The Bull’ Gravano caving in out of the prospect of a jail sentence,” Goldberg explained.
More from Jonathan Chait at Trump’s Lawyer Forgets to Pretend He’s Innocent, Also Compares Him to Mobster.