Mitch McConnell: Zombie Resuscitator, Hail Mary Quarterback, and Savior of the Republic

50 Dead Men Walking

Typical of today’s impeachment analysis are articles like these:

James Bruno, The GOP’s Waiting for Godot Moment: Republicans keep hoping for a savior from Trump. But the question is whether they can save themselves.

Washington Post, Republican defense of Trump grows more frantic and disjointed as Ukraine scandal escalates

Politico, Vow of impeachment silence spreads in Senate: Senators from both parties are using their roles as potential jurors to remain silent on impeachment. 

Politico, Evangelicals have stuck by Trump. But polls hint at trouble ahead: Backlash from Trump’s Syria decision has left him scurrying to shore up a critical element of his base.

With these thoughts in mind, let us think a little more about the upcoming trial in the Senate.

And about Moscow Mitch McConnell.

What Three Things Do We Know about Moscow Mitch?

  1. We know he has the morals of a sea slug. And saying so may well be an insult to sea slugs.
  2. We know he is fixated on one thing: saving the Republican majority in the Senate, so as to cement his own power, ensure that tax policy is friendly to plutocrats, and ensure that the judiciary is friendly to plutocrats.
  3. And I am pretty sure he has figured out what I have figured out: that, unless something happens to derail the oncoming train, a whole bunch of his caucus are dead men walking. Either they will be primaried and replaced by unelectable Trump cultists. Or they will lose in the general election.

Knowing those three things, let us pose this question:

What Game is Moscow Mitch Planning to Pay with the Forthcoming Impeachment Trial?

Based on logic and the best available evidence, here is the answer to the question. Moscow Mitch is planning a long and fair trial which (1) Trump and his defenders will botch up beyond belief and which (2), if McConnell’s luck holds, will drive a stake through the heart of the Cult of Trump.

In other words, logic applied to the available evidence indicates that McConnell is planning to throw the biggest Hail Mary pass in the history of the Republic.

The alternative is that Trump succeeds, any remaining skeptics of the Cult of Trump are expelled from The Party Formerly Known as the Republican Party. And The Party Formerly Known as the Republican Party continues to do well, for a while, in Wyoming, but shortly becomes as extinct as the Whigs.

Hail Mary.gif

The Savior of the Republic

unlikely hero

Unlikeliest Hero of 2018

It is the evening of August 23, 2018, and this is what we have come to. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions the Third is at war with Donald Trump, pledging that “While I am attorney general, the actions of the Department of Justice will nt be improperly influenced by political considerations”—contrary to the wishes of some he could name.

Congratulations, General Sessions. We appreciate your service and are grateful that you are doing your best to save the republic.

Aardvark is honored to aware you the title of

Unlikeliest Hero of 2018.

That said, and without prejudice to the foregoing, Paul Waldman does have a point: “Were it not for his devotion to the cause of undermining civil rights, locking America’s doors to immigrants and punishing hippies for smoking grass, Sessions would have bolted a long time ago.”

And now a bonus.

Best Headline of 2018.

From Huffpost, earlier today:

“Trump Losing his Pecker”

Alas, the headline of the story has now been revised.