The Gettysburg Address, as Delivered by Donald Trump, During the Battle of Gettysburg


Alexandra Petri—who else?—imagines the scene:

[Lincoln steps onto the field at Gettysburg and produces a speech.]

Four score and seven years ago,

[A cannonball whooshes overhead.]

our forefathers brought forth on this continent

[Several cavalrymen go galloping past, scattering pages of the speech.]

a new nation, conceived in liberty

[A Minié ball whistles narrowly by, knocking off the speaker’s hat.]

and dedicated to the proposition

[A loose artillery horse rushes over in a state of confusion, gets its legs tangled and knocks over the podium.]

that all men are created equal.

[The remainder of the speech flutters uselessly to the ground.]

[The noise of many tramping feet draws closer.]

And now we are here to dedicate a portion of this field

[“Steady, men!” cries a voice of command.]

in memory of what a good job we have done

[“Hold your cannon fire!” another voice yells. “Wait for their approach!”]

in this battle that is clearly past.

[Bugles blow and drums rattle.]

[Serried ranks of men begin to make their way across the open field, banners waving in the afternoon air.]

[From behind the fence, the rifles open fire.]