A Message for Joe from His Dutch Uncle Arius Aardvark


Dear Joe,

First of all, congratulations on your miraculous victory.

And further congratulations on Mike Bloomberg’s decision this morning. He spent more than $500 million. You spent barely a centavo. Whatever else Mini Mike was doing, he sure as hell wasn’t buying the election.

Where I worship on Sundays, down at the Church of the Two Holy Heresies, we know that the age of miracles has not passed. Not by a long shot.

Joe, you stand at a fork in the historical road. Will our nation continue its experiment in rational, democratic government, or will we just give up?

I am grateful that you have stepped up to the plate.

And now that you have stepped up to the plate, I implore you do three things.

Thing Number One

Do whatever you need to do to keep up your stamina, keep up your spirits, and stay at the top of your game.

Thing Number Two

Read what Robert Rubin said: Democrats , if We Remain Divided, We’ll Fall: A former Treasury secretary argues that there’s common ground among the competing factions of the party.

Take it to heart.

And act on it.

Thing Number Three

I know you love your kids, but you really, really need to rethink how you are handling Ukrainegate. Pretty soon, a reporter will once again stick a microphone in your face and say, in words or substance,

Mr. Vice-President, your son Hunger is a lightweight who traded on his name and his relationship to you to make millions of dollars he did not earn or deserve. I know that people cannot control what their adult children do, but did you at least try to persuade him not to trade on your position? And, why, when Hunter’s actions created a serious appearance of conflict of interest in relation to Ukraine policy, didn’t you recuse yourself from involvement in Ukraine police? Surely some other competent person could have stepped in.

Now, Joe, the next time that happens, and the time after that, and the time after that, here is what you really don’t want to do: you don’t want to call the reporter a scumbag, and you don’t want to challenge him to an arm wrestling contest.

You probably want to say something like,

Well, my son made some mistakes of judgment and I made some mistakes of judgment. But he was not crooked, and I was not crooked. And the person who says we were crooked is a damnable liar and the truth is not in him.

Got it?

No more arm wrestling challenges.

What About the Subpoenas?

And what will you do when the Republican slimeballs begin serving subpoenas on Hunter, and probably on you as well?

To begin with, here’s what you should NOT do. I know that Congress has broad subpoena power, but that power is not entirely unlimited. I know there is some ambiguous precedent you could use as a purported basis to quash the subpoenas. But you would lose that case in the current Supreme Court, and it really wouldn’t look good at all.

Do, please, remember that more is at stake than your manliness. You stand at the crossroads of history, and all that.

You and Hunter need to hire the right lawyers. And by “the right lawyers” I emphatically do not mean that crew who sent him to Ukraine in the first place.

You need to respond to the document subpoenas. And you and Hunter need to show up and testify to the Senate. You both need to prepare like your life depends on it. And you need to give truthful, but carefully rehearsed, answers to each and every question.

I assume that Hunter’s truthful testimony will be to the effect that he traded on his surname and relationship to you to get himself into positions he shouldn’t have been in, but that he violated no laws. He needs to tell exactly what he did as legal counsel for Burisma, as business consultant for Burisma, and as a director of Burisma. And he needs to tell exactly how much he was paid for each service he performed.

And if Hunter cannot truthfully testify that he engaged in no bribery or other corruption, then Hunter bloody well needs to fall on his sword.

He’s the one who got you into an awkward position on Ukraine, he’s the one who is endangering to democratic candidate for president and helping the tin horned dictator candidate. And he’s the one who needs to do what he has to do.

I know you love your family. But remember that you love your country more.

With kindest regards and best wishes,

Your loving Dutch uncle,