Aardvark Ends Bid for the White House

Keeping you abreast of the latest news:

Avenatti announces that he will not run for president in 2020:

Avenatti, best known for representing porn star Stormy Daniels, said the decision came after consultation with his family. “I do not make this decision lightly — I make it out of respect for my family. But for their concerns, I would run,” Avenatti, a father of two teenage girls and a 4-year-old son, said in a statement.

Aardvark Ends Bid for White House

Inspired by Michael Avenatti, I have decided that I, Arius A. Aardvark, will suspend my bid for the White House.

This decision is inspired primarily by a need to spend more time with my old friend Jose.

Iraq Offers to Help Establish Democracy in North Carolina:

BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Iraq announced on Tuesday that it would seek to build an international coalition to establish democracy in the state of North Carolina.

Speaking to reporters in Baghdad, the Iraqi President, Barham Salih, said that Iraq had reached out to regional powers including Canada and Mexico to launch a military invasion of North Carolina’s Ninth Congressional District to “protect the North Carolinians’ right to self-determination.”

While many in the international community commended Salih’s desire to bring democracy to North Carolina, some critics warned that the effort could wind up destabilizing other American states.

“If North Carolina gets democracy, it’s only a matter of time before the people of Wisconsin, Georgia, and other failed states demand it as well,” Muqtada al-Sadr, the Iraqi politician and cleric, said. “Iraq could find itself in a quagmire with no exit strategy.”