The response to the earlier post on FEMA emergency texting was highly positive. It is, accordingly, incumbent on me to pass along this important update from Andy Borowitz—who, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie.
FEMA’s about-to-be-launched “Presidential alert” system drew a sharply negative reaction in the poll, with a majority of Americans saying that they would burn, smash, or otherwise pulverize their phones in advance of the first text that Trump attempts to send them.
By contrast, and by a wide margin, Americans said that they wanted an alert system that would enable Mueller to text them “the second he knows this shit show is over,” the poll indicates.
Poll respondents were amenable to a broad array of methods by which Mueller might deliver such news, including the one-word text “FINITO,” the phrase “ORANGE CRUSHED,” and emojis depicting a thumbs-up or smiley face.