Wax Presidents: The Inside Story

Alas, the Hall of Presidents and First Lzdies in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, has shuttered its doors and sold its max presidents. Aardvark is pleased to share this from John Oliver …

… along with some well chosen words from Vasari, who has the inside scoop:

Despite the superficial news accounts of financial problems with the museum, the Gettysburg cultural insiders tell a different story. The presidential figures debated over several evenings whether Donald Trump should be admitted to the group. Support, led by Richard Nixon and Andrew Jackson, began to fade as Ulysses Grant, treasurer, shared preliminary cost estimates for a solid gold wax statue.

Bill Clinton suggested that Melania Trump be invited without her expensive husband. Hillary Clinton, in the First Ladies section of the museum, threatened to pay for an indoor Fourth of July fireworks extravaganza should Melania be accepted as a member. 

The debate became more and more dangerously heated, with Jefferson and Adams hurling inflammatory accusations of personal profit at one another, presumably a reference to the stock options each had accumulated in the museum. 

A wax cylinder, presumed to be from Henry Clay, broke the deadlock. “United You Fall, Divided You Stand,” read the cylinder on an old machine donated years earlier by Thomas Edison. 

Sad, but true. One by one the figures left the museum, boarded tour buses, and made their individual ways to places where benefactors had sworn to keep and protect them. George Washington nailed a quickly-lettered sign over the door as he left the museum. “You can have it.”